Fuck, how do I say this?
I’m not feeling too good as of recent.
There’s probably someone somewhere out there feeling a lot worse than me and in a worse situation.
But this isn’t a case of me just feeling bad.
This is a case of me wanting to get eighteen as quickly as possible and move out.
But at the moment, I honestly don’t think I’m going to live that long.
Phoebe, Mitchell, Felixx…
The rest of you.
I am so sorry.
Woah woah woah woah stop.
Hold on. You gotta look outside of the box for a moment, and bare with me because I’ve been there and I know what you’re going through, even if that sounds like bullshit.
Suicide is FINAL. Permanent. And you’ve held out this long because you’ve always known this isn’t the thing to do. You need to hang on, and you need to wake up tomorrow, and every day after that until you can get the freedom and happiness you know exists.
You’re going to hit eighteen and you’re going to find your happiness. I promise you that. But I won’t lie to you — it’s not going to be easy, at all. Becoming 18 isn’t a cure-all, of course. Being happy and finding stability is hard, tough work, especially in our economy. But it’s worth it. YOU are worth it. Don’t ever let anyone, not even yourself, tell you that you are NOT worth living to see that. You can get there, but you gotta hang on, you gotta fight tooth and nail, you gotta make sure you get up and keep trying, even if it feels like you’re falling and backsliding.
We’re not close so I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me, but I need you to know that I wanted to die so many times before, I struggled with self-esteem bullshit and suicidal thoughts in 2010. I sat around every day thinking I wouldn’t last through the year, that I was going to hurt everyone I cared about and let them down and etc, but I hung on, reluctantly, and eventually found things to hang on to. If I had done it I wouldn’t have found those things and I wouldn’t be talking to you now because I’d have been gone. And damn, I would have missed out on so many things, so many laughs and pictures and wonderful people and great fanfics and hugs…
I have been struggling with mental bullshit since I was a child and I am 25 now, and I am still struggling to truly “live” but I’m recovering. I know better now than to give up, because I know my efforts will get me somewhere someday even it it’s hard as fuck right now. I wish when I was your age that someone would have told me the truth, that yeah, it’s hard to live, but it’s worth it, it’s normal for it to be hard, we’re all fighting, all of these things. I wish someone would have stopped me and motivated me to believe in myself. I wish someone would have helped me learn to block out the negativity around me with my “friends” and “family” I had. If I had learned younger, I wouldn’t have been still struggling with it now.
I know you may not want to believe me, or trust me, but I am telling you IT GETS BETTER and YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are perfectly fine and there is nothing wrong with you. We are all a little flawed and in need of help at sometimes (maybe a lot of times!) but those things make us human and beautiful. If we didn’t have these emotions we wouldn’t feel and we’d be pretty boring, really.
And there will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be people out there worse off, always. That’s just a fact of life. But that said, it doesn’t make your life worthless, it doesn’t make you a bad person for being upset, it doesn’t make your pain irrelevant or unimportant. Everybody hurts, some more often than others, some louder than others, some more hidden than others… but you are not alone and you are NOT hurting anyone. Go to someone who will listen if nobody else will. Those suicide hotlines are there if nobody else is, and they understand and will listen. And I will too, if that’s what it takes to make you feel like you can move forward.
Hang on, find work if you can get it, but most importantly FIND CONTACTS. Meet people. Find people, talk, learn about the world. Those contacts and their information may save you one day. If your home life is hell, having contacts may be your benefit. I didn’t move out until someone cared enough to take me in, even jobless, so yes, there are loving and caring people out there that will help you. Find distractions for now, and remember that it’s going to be hard but YOU’RE WORTH IT and YOU CAN DO IT. If nobody else in this world will tell you that, know that I WILL and I completely support you finding your happiness, okay?
Oh Socks, darling, I’m so sorry for whatever horrible things are going on in your life. It doesn’t matter if other people are going through hell too, you are perfectly reasonable in feeling whatever you’re feeling. I just wanted to stop and say that I think you are a talented artist and a really sweet person, and you’re not alone!
It may seem like a long way to 18, but honestly, if your home life is that bad, don’t wait! Find a friend or a more distant family member that you can trust, and move in with them. I had friends move in with me when I was in high school, and it made a difference to both of us. Or if you don’t know of anyone, look around online for shelter of some sort. Even if it’s just emotional shelter, like a hotline or distractions that are involving enough to let you get lost in them for a little while. Having control over your own life can be empowering and freeing, and you can start regaining that control step by step, even if you’re not a legal adult.
But if you’re in danger of being hurt—even if you’re the one doing the hurting!—you need to get out of the situation as fast as possible. Just keep repeating to yourself: It really does get better, and you really do deserve better. And most importantly, you are worth it. Because you are. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it, from us or anyone else. We all need help sometimes. *hugs*